CHAPTER 048: Me. Myself. And My Desires
I set my bag down on the couch and sink into the seat.
Mom turns sideways. Her eyes are soft but expectant. Waiting for something.
An answer.
A promise.
A miracle, maybe.
‘Meet someone new.‘
Like it’s that simple.
Like I’ll just show up to this magical barbecue, beam a dazzling smile at some guy, and he’ll be The One.
A perfect suburban fantasy.
God.
The worst part is…
I know she’s not completely wrong.
Being with Knox might be dangerous. The man himself is a danger. I can feel it every time he looks at me with those eyes- heavy–lidded and full of promises that don’t look anything like good intentions.
He’s into something dark; that’s for sure. I can feel it in my bones.
Something he won’t talk about.
And I’ve seen enough movies to know how this goes.
It’s always the girlfriend who ends up kidnapped by the main character’s rival, drowned in a bathtub, or shot through the heart in a drive–by–because she loved the wrong man.
But Knox never pretended he was good.
Not once.
And I…
I accepted that.
I wanted that.
Maybe that’s the real problem. Me. Myself. And my desires.
I just wish they’d let me make my bad decisions in peace.
Mom’s really bent on making up for lost time, trying to squeeze herself into spaces she left empty for years.
And naturally, in any other situation, I would’ve eaten it up.
Played the role of the vulnerable daughter who needed saving.
Let her fuss over me.
Let her believe she could fix what she never stuck around long enough to understand.
But right now?
I need them to believe I’m fine–really, genuinely fine–before this spirals into something bigger.
Before they start planning interventions or, worse, dragging Dad into it.
Mom shifts again.
“Sloane?” she says, pulling me back from wherever my head had wandered.
I lift my gaze.
Force a smile.
“I appreciate the concern,” I say softly. “Really. But I’m fine. And I know what I want.”
Mom’s mouth tightens, her lips pressing together in that way she always does when she’s biting back a thousand arguments all at once.
Successfully unlocked!
Serena, sensing the gathering storm, busies herself at the counter. She pulls open the takeout bag with exaggerated care, laying out cartons and crinkled napkins like she’s a contestant on a cooking show.
Mom exhales through her nose.
“I’ll only believe you’re fine if you come to the barbecue and keep your mind open,” she says. “You don’t go out, Sloane. You
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CHAPTER 048: Me. Myself. And My Desires
don’t meet people. All you’ve ever known is Finn. Finn led you to his brother, who’s just another Finn, or worse. How would you even know what you want if you’ve never given anyone else a chance?”
I blink at her.
“So what?” I ask, keeping my voice even. “You’re asking me to sneak around behind my boyfriend’s back and explore my options?”
“I’m asking you to come to the barbecue and smile at a few decent guys. Smiling and having a conversation doesn’t qualify as cheating, does it?”
I scoff, looking down at my hands, tracing a seam on my pants.
“The intent to keep my mind open qualifies as cheating.”
“And so what if you cheat?” Mom fires back, a little sharper now. “You think a man like that is being faithful?”
Now she’s just putting ideas in my head.
Is he faithful?
That morning in his suite–when he demanded exclusivity–was that supposed to be for both of us? Or just for me?
‘I won’t share you, Sloane.‘
That’s what he said.
Not ‘We won’t share ourselves with others.‘
Not You’re mine and I’m yours.’
Just ‘I won’t share you.‘
Should I have said something?
Should I have made some kind of declaration too?
Or was I so busy falling apart every time he touched me that I forgot to ask for the basics?
God.
I push to my feet, needing to move, to breathe.
نه
I walk over to the counter where Serena’s arranging our takeout dinner.
I join her wordlessly, pretending I’m not dying inside, pretending I’m not seriously considering how much simpler my life would be if I just gave up now.
If I just picked safe.
Normal.
Boring.
“I’m not a child anymore, Mom,” I say over my shoulder.
“That’s the point, baby,” she replies. “You’re not. Now’s not the time to be developing some rebellious teenage spirit. You’re
a full–grown woman. You should be making adult decisions. Exploring danger is for kids. Look at Serena. Nathan’s about to propose any day now.”
I glance at Serena.
She’s grinning like the damn Cheshire Cat, enjoying my slow meltdown way too much.
The worst part is…
They won’t stop.
Not until they get their way.
And if Dad joins in later, it’ll be an all–out emotional war zone.
Better to end this now.
Give them the illusion they’ve won.
“Fine,” I say, setting down the stack of napkins with a heavy sigh. “I’ll come to the barbecue. I’ll keep my mind open.”
Mom’s face brightens instantly.
“That’s all I’m asking for.”
We settle around my tiny dining table, eyes set on our pasta, breadsticks, and meatballs. The scent of tomato sauce and garlic fills the room.
Mom chats about her shop–about a new flower arrangement she’s trying to market to hipster wedding venues.
Serena gossips about her friend’s cheating boyfriend.
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CHAPTER 048: Me Myself. And My Desires
I smile.
I nod.
I sip from the glass of wine Serena unearthed from the kitchen shelf I hide my stash.
But deep down, I’m somewhere else.
With a man who keeps a gun in his glove box like it’s just another accessory.
With a man who changed the locks on my door without asking.
With a man who let my former best friend hide in my closet while he fucked me against it like the world was ending.
With a man who calls me Bunny in a voice that makes my bones turn to dust.
I swirl the wine in my glass, watching it catch the light, spinning pale gold.
Could I really ever meet someone else?
Someone safe?
Someone easy?
Someone who didn’t feel like a fuse ready to be lit every time he looked at me?
Could I pretend I haven’t already made my choice?
Because no matter how dangerous Knox Hartley might be…
No matter how many warnings and red flags come slapping me in the face-
Part of me already belongs to him.
And normal?
Normal sounds boring.
Normal sounds dead.
~~~
Later at night, I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling fan as it turns slow, lazy circles above my head.
A week ago, this would have been the part where I called Finn.
Told him about my day.
Ranted about being ambushed by my mother and sister.
He’d give some half–assed advice that somehow always circled back to Delilah, because of course it did.
As much as I hate him right now-
I miss that.
I miss being able to call someone.
To unload without thinking about how my words might come back to burn me.
And I can’t exactly call Knox and say,
“Hey, babe, I agreed to go flirt with strangers this weekend because my family thinks you’re a gangster. Just keeping my mind open like my mom suggested. Hope you don’t mind!”
Yeah.
Not happening.
But Finn…
He caused this. He deserves a piece of my mind.
If nothing else.
He doesn’t get to sneak into my life anymore and pretend like it’s okay.
I grab my phone off the nightstand and dial.
The line barely rings before he picks up.
Like he’s been waiting.
“You son of a bitch,” I say, no preamble. “What the hell were you doing in my apartment today?”
“Sloane,” he breathes out. His voice cracks a little. “Oh my God. It’s so good to hear from you.”
“The feeling is not mutual, Finn. I’m calling to tell you to save yourself the trouble of sneaking in anymore. I’ve changed the locks. The next time I see you lurking around, I’m calling the cops.”
“Sloane,” he says again, and this time his voice is thick–like he’s holding back tears. “I’m sorry. I just… I miss you. I miss my
CHAPTER 048: Me, Myself. And My Desires
best friend.”
“Why? Did Delilah dump you already?”
“This has nothing to do with her,” he says, pained. “I just wanted to see you. Surprise you. I swear I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. And then you came home with… him. And I panicked.”
“And you hid in my closet like a psychopath.”
“I didn’t want to ruin it. You looked happy. I thought if I made noise, if I interrupted-”
“So you thought watching was a better option?”
Silence.
“I’m sorry, Sloane,” he says. “I don’t care if you’re with my brother now. I just want my friend back.”
“It’s too late, Finn.”
There’s a beat.
And then-
“I’m in the hospital.”
“What?”
“I was crossing the street. A car came out of nowhere. I broke my arm and had a concussion. They’re keeping me here for a little while to monitor me.”
I bolt upright in bed, heart slamming into my ribs.
“What hospital?” I demand, already swinging my legs over the side.
