Book 2: Chpt 19: Feelings
Chapter 19
An Jiuen
“Click.” The sound of the bathroom door locking was so freeing. I slumped down with my back to the door and exhaled my irritation.
Is it irritation, or is it overwhelm? I’m not used to being around other beings, let alone young pups and babies. Even as a child, I didn’t act like a child nor was I around any.
I was always on guard, and my father wouldn’t let me around the pups of the pack. He always made up a lie about how much he loved me and didn’t want me to get even a scratch. In reality, he didn’t want his secret discovered. I was never exposed to the pack publicly, so weird rumors about me and my mother spread.
The Luna hated it because the prominent rumor that stuck, which my father never refuted, was that my mother was his fated mate, and his Luna was his second chance mate, making her hatred for me even greater. She would find ways to make me suffer or hurt me when she would fight with my father. I would never scar, so she would be merciless when she was upset at him. She was aware of the curse connecting him and me. I was locked away alone in the pack house until I was old enough to look after myself, and then I was moved to the shack at the edge of the pack lands. I think Father was tired of her causing him pain through me, I never fought back. I wanted him to be in pain, but I didn’t dare to do it myself. I hated them both more than the pain. The pain would go away. My
hatred never did.
I was never allowed to be around my brother, or the beta family much. Always alone. I never felt lonely. I always felt that my mother was with me in some way. She didn’t leave me with much, but what she did give me was great and the only comfort I had for so long. I knew she cared for and loved me, even if she was not with me. Even if Kwan annoyed me, she was always there as well. Even if we fought all the time, she was still there. Now, there are all these…things wanting something from me. I am here forced to depend on them because I’m too weak to be on my own. I don’t even know if I can even make that choice anymore. Only one path leads me to umma, but what are the right decisions to take to get there? Ugh, that damn song is still ringing in my ears.
The little female pups kept singing that song repeatedly, ” 1,2,3 What will the fox do? 3,2,1 Will the fox run? 1,2,3 What will the fox do?” Who would teach them a song like that? What is this feeling? I am so uncomfortable with all these eyes on me all the time. I’m irritated that I can’t just go and do what I want. I’m scared I’m going to make the wrong choices. I am overwhelmed because of… well everything. I feel so many different things, and I don’t know how to handle any of it, which makes
me so angry at myself.
“Hey, take a breath. We don’t have to have everything figured out in a day.” Kwan’s voice calmed my
mind a little.
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Book 2: Chpt 19: Feelings
“What do we even do, Kwan?” I felt as if I was on the verge of tears. I never cried, even when Gim
Minji would beat me.
“The only thing we can do is take it one decision at a time–decisions as small as what to eat and as big as whether we stay of go. One at a time when they come up, that’s all we can do.” I could hear something, ever so slight, but it was there.
“Are you scared too?” My voice had never felt so small.
“I am.” For the first time, I think I was actually sharing my feelings with Kwan. We could always feel what the other was feeling, but there was always a wall, a clear separation between hers and mine-
but not now.
“Why?” I asked, hoping I would understand myself a little more.
“Yours won’t be the only soul to be destroyed if we make the wrong choices. Our wolf souls are reincarnated, but if your soul is destroyed, then so will mine. I fear I’m not strong enough to protect you or a pack. I am scared that our choices hold too much weight for the fate of so many.” Yeah, that’s what I am feeling too.
“We have a fate forced on us by the world, and we can’t do anything about it. Is it crazy I almost want to go back 48 hours and never leave that horrible little shack of a house?” I laugh, but it’s only to stop myself from crying.
“No, it’s not crazy. I was excited and empowered to find out that I would be a powerful Luna to such a great pack, but finding out everything else that comes with it is a lot to handle, even for me.” This is the first genuine conversation Kwan and I have ever had. “Are you scared of him, James
Ashwood?”
I couldn’t answer right away. “I don’t think I’m scared of him as a being, but I’m afraid of what he represents and the responsibilities that follow him.” The past 48 hours ran through my mind. When I looked into his pale blue eyes, I saw kindness I had never experienced before. He was so strong and overpowering, fighting off his father’s pack. Even this morning, popping up, ready to protect me out of a dead sleep. I think I like that kind and clumsy side of him best, it makes him less intimidating.
“You’re thinking about him.” Kwan giggled.
“You saw them this morning.” We both laughed. “Have you connected to his wolf?”
“Only a little.” Kwan seemed a little sad.
“Sorry.” I knew it was because of my distance that she hadn’t connected fully with her mate.
“We have time.” I thought she would be demanding me and threatening me like before when she took the air out of my lungs. I guess with everything coming at us we have no choice but to depend
on each other now.
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Book 2: Chpt 19: Feelings
“What’s he like? The wolf spirit?” I was going to have to get to know him one day.
“His name is Rafe. He’s hard to describe because I don’t know much about him yet, but I get the impression that he’s very wise and calm, like an old war general.”
“That sounds terrible.” Could Kwan and I deal with that kind of personality?
Kwan laughed, “I can also tell he’s a big softy for us. You know the type, big scary wolf to the world but a sweet puppy when it comes to us.”
“I’m scared, Kwan.” I choked down the words I had been holding back. “I’m scared that James will change how he feels about me once he really gets to know me. I’m not human at all. His pack might be in danger now; what if he throws us out?”
“He won’t. Our fate is now theirs and everyone’s. Sacrificing us won’t save anyone but damn everyone.” Kwan was steadfast in her words.
“That’s only an obligation to the greater good. What about after? Are we just some type of weird teammates that are trying to save the world or something?” I let my head fall backward and hit the
door.
“Speak of the devil. He’s near.” Kwan didn’t answer, just sidestepped utterly.
I let out a groan and slumped forward on the floor. I was not ready for all of this. I also felt like I could sit on this bathroom floor for days on end and still wouldn’t be ready. I sat up and looked at the light fixture above the mirror, letting the bright light refocus my eyes and mind. I let out a sigh
and stood up.
Knock, Knock, Knock. “Um, An Jieun, you OK?” It was James‘ nervous voice.
“Yeah, be right out; let me wash my hands.” His voice and stature don’t match. He sounds like he’s about to crumble, but he looks as sturdy as a hardwood tree.
I washed my hands and opened the door. Those kind pale blue eyes were looking at me again. Will they always show kindness?
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